"Hello. If you have not already guessed, I am with the Liberal Crime Squad. Welcome! You are here, so you are willing to fight the rampant conservatism that is gripping America like a big rampant America-gripping device."
"Well… I'm not sure."
"Yes, you are! You are Liberal in your heart. All people are Liberals at heart. It is part of your True Liberal Nature."
"But there are so many political groups out there. What does the Liberal Crime Squad stand for?"
"Everything! We stand for everything that is good and pure in America! This is what you must know…"

Abortion Choice: support
Affirmative Action: support
Animal Rights: support
Anti-American Hate Groups: support (for their free speech)
Antitrust Laws: support
Anybody Who Disagrees: oppose
Balanced Budget: support
Bill of Rights: support
Birth Control: support
Censorship: oppose
Centrism: oppose
Child Labor: oppose
Civil Rights: support
Communism: support
Conservatism: oppose
Constitutional Amendments: oppose (at least once it's been fixed)
Crime: oppose
Death Penalty: oppose
Defending America from Foreign Invasion: support (on home soil only)
Democrats: support
Diplomacy: support
Drug Legalization: support (enthusiastically!)
Due Process of Law: support
Environmentalism: support
Evil: oppose
Fascism: oppose
Fair Trade: support
Feminism: support
Flag Burning: support
Flat Tax: oppose
Foul Language: support
Free News Media: oppose
Free Trade: oppose
Freedom of Speech: support
Gay Marriage: support
Gay Rights: support
Global Warming: oppose
Good: support
Gun Control Laws: support
Gun Free Zones: support
Individual Rights: support
Invasion of Other Countries: oppose
Immigration Reform: support
Imperialism: oppose
Labor Unions: support
Liberalism: support
Libertarianism: oppose
Metrication: support
Militarism: oppose
National Security: oppose
Net Neutrality: support
Oligarchy: oppose
Peace: support
Political Correctness: support
Political Scientist Dr. Andrew Vipond: support
Pollution: oppose
Privacy: support
Progressive Income Tax: support
Public Nudity: support
Racism: oppose
Reality: oppose
Religion: oppose
Republicans: oppose
Runaway Military Spending: oppose
Segregation: oppose
Separation of Church and State: support
Sex: support (single people or attractive spouses, please enquire within for a practical demonstration)
Sexism: oppose
Slavery: oppose
Social Welfare: support
Socialism: support
Suffrage: support
Terrorism: oppose
Theocracy: oppose
Unbiased News Coverage: support
United States of America: oppose
Universal Healthcare: support
Violence: oppose
War: oppose
Women's Rights: support
Workplace Safety: support
Xenophobia: oppose

"I don't understand. How can you be against violence and yet recommend violence to save America?!"
"We are a revolutionary vanguard army! It is very unfortunate that those Conservative pigs have forced us to do this. But it is a war on our home soil, and we must protect America from the Conservative invasion."
"But that doesn't make any sense. They are Americans too."
"They are not. If they cannot understand their True Liberal Nature, they have already died. When we finally achieve an Elite Liberal nation, things will be better, I promise. Until then… we must get our hands dirty. We are not afraid to die."
"Do you want to hear something disturbing?"

Issues were liberally borrowed from the Liberal Encyclopedia (dead link, after that wiki was deleted by Conservatives, now the One True Liberal Encyclopedia is Liberapedia, which is not hosted on Liberal, but instead hosted on Conservative, unfortunately).

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